woman`s today

Dynamic Sex: Unlocking the Secret to Love

2007-06-13T08:53:00.001-07:00

"A fulfilling love life. How can I have one? How can I get the most out of sex?" University students worldwide ask these questions. Why? Because both pleasure and emotional fulfillment are important facets of sex.
Sex is often on our minds. According to two psychologists at the universities of Vermont and South Carolina, 95% of people think about sex at least once each day.{1} You might wonder, "You mean that 5% of the people don't?"
One way not to have a dynamic sex life is to concentrate solely on technique. There is certainly nothing wrong with learning sexual technique--especially the basics--but technique by itself is not the answer.
A good relationship is important for good sex. Psychiatrist and bestselling author Anthony Pietropinto and coauthor Jacqueline Simenauer write, "When emotional issues involving anger or a need to control are encountered on the road to sexual fulfillment, the journey is interrupted until these conflicts are resolved."{2}
Many sex therapists agree that great technique does not guarantee great sex. They emphasize that the qualities that contribute to a successful sex life are the same ones that contribute to a successful interpersonal relationship. Qualities like love, commitment and communication.
Consider love.
As popular speaker and author Josh McDowell points out, those romantic words, "I love you," can be interpreted several different ways. One meaning is "I love you if--if you go out with me...if you are lighthearted...if you stay committed to me...if you sleep with me." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person does. Another meaning is "I love you because--because you are attractive...strong...intelligent." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person is. Both types of love must be earned.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved for what you are, but problems can arise with having "if" or "because of" love as the basis of a relationship. Jealousy can set in when someone who is more attractive or more intelligent appears and the partner's attention shifts to the newcomer. People who know they are loved only for their strong points may be afraid to admit any weaknesses to their partners. This dishonesty can affect the relationship.
The best love
The best kind of love is unconditional. This love says, "I love you, period. I love you even if someone better looking comes along, even with your faults and even if you change. I place your needs above my own."
One young couple was engaged to be married. Their popularity, intelligence, good looks and athletic success made their future together seem bright. Then the young woman was in a skiing accident that left her paralyzed for life. Her fiancé deserted her.
Portrayed in the popular film, "The Other Side of the Mountain," this true story was certainly complex. But was his love for her "love, period"? Or was it love "if" or love "because of"? Unconditional love (or "less-conditional," because none of us is perfect) is an essential building block for a lasting relationship.
You can probably see how unconditional love can help a sexual relationship in a marriage. In order for sex to be most fulfilling, it should be experienced in an atmosphere of caring and acceptance. Sex, viewed in this manner, becomes not a self-centered performance but a significant expression of mutual love.
Mutual commitment
Another quality necessary for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is commitment. If two people are completely committed to each other, their relationship is strengthened. Without mutual commitment, neither will be able to have the maximum confidence that the relationship is secure. The fear may exist that, should they encounter a trial, the other may not be there for support. This can erode their bond.
Total, permanent commitment is important in sex, too. It brings security to each partner. It frees them from feeling they have to strive to keep from losing the other and releases them to enjoy one another. It can be an important result of and expression of unconditional love. Commitment helps to breed satisfaction.
Communication
A third quality essential for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is communication. Even if partners have mutual love and commitment, they need to communicate this to each other by what they say and do. If a problem arises, they need to talk it out and forgive rather than give each other the silent treatment and stew in their juices. As one sociology professor expressed it, "Sexual foreplay involves the 'round-the-clock relationship." Communication affects your total life; your total life affects sex. Couples need to communicate about their hopes, dreams, fears and hurts as well as the daily details of life in order for the relationship to flourish.
Sex is a form of communication. You can bet that if partners are harboring resentment or not communicating appropriately, it shows in their sex life. Psychologists, sex researchers and textbook authors Albert Richard Allgeier and Elizabeth Rice Allgeier note that "a substantial number of sexual problems could be resolved if people felt free to communicate with their sexual partners...about their sexual feelings...."{3}
So, how can you have a dynamic sex life? By developing the same qualities that contribute to a strong relationship: unconditional love, total and permanent commitment and clear, meaningful communication. These qualities combine to help produce a maximum oneness and bring the greatest pleasure.
To this point I have been saying that sex is designed to work best within a happy marriage. "But," you ask, "what about premarital sex?" This is, of course, a very controversial topic. While wanting to convey respect for those who differ, I would recommend that couples wait until marriage before having sexual relations. Why? Consider three reasons.
Why wait?
First, there is a practical reason for waiting. Premarital sex can detract from a strong relationship and a dynamic sex life. All too often, premarital sex ends up a self-seeking, self-gratifying experience. After intercourse, one partner might be saying "I love you" while the other is thinking "I love it."
Very often premarital sex occurs in the absence of total and permanent commitment. This can bring insecurity into the relationship. Both short--and long--range problems can result, especially with the breakdown in trust. For instance, while the couple is unmarried, there can always be the nagging thought, "If s/he's done it with me, whom else have they slept with?" After they marry, one might think, "If that person was willing to break a standard with me before we married, how do I know they won't now that we are married?" Doubt and suspicion can chip away at their relationship.
Poor communication, poor sex
Premarital sex can also inhibit communication. Each might wonder, "How do I compare with my lover's other partners? Does s/he tell them how I perform in bed?" Or perhaps they think, "Should I be totally honest and vulnerable and share my heart with this person when I don't know if they'll be around tomorrow? Can I entrust all of me to them if I don't have all of them for me? There will be part of me emotionally that I'll hold back." Each becomes less open; communication dwindles. And poor communication makes for poor sex. Bad feelings result, communication deteriorates and so does the relationship. In short, premarital sex can put people at a disadvantage because it can lessen their chances to experience maximum oneness and pleasure.
One young woman at Arizona State University expressed it like this: "I understand what you're saying about unity or oneness. I've had several premarital sexual experiences with different men. After each one, I've felt like I've left a part of myself with that person emotionally. What you're saying is that it makes sense for a person to save themself so they can give themself completely to their spouse."
There is a second reason for waiting: None of the arguments for premarital sex are strong enough. Of course, it's always easy to rationalize in the heat of passion and say it's right. But that is why it is important to decide beforehand--to think with your brain instead of your glands. Consider several common arguments.{4}
The Statistical Argument: "Everyone else is doing it." Oh, no, they're not! Some studies have shown high statistics, but never one that says 100%. Besides, even if "everyone else" were doing it, that is a lousy reason for doing anything. Suppose 90% of your friends developed ulcers. Would you try to emulate them? Should you? This is not to equate sex with sickness. The point is that just because "everyone else is doing it" doesn't make it advisable or right. You need a better reason.
The Biological Argument: "Sex is a biological need, like the drive for food, air and water. When I have the impulse, it needs to be satisfied." You can't live without food, air or water. Believe it or not, you can live without sex. (It's been documented.)
The Contraceptive Argument: "Modern contraceptives have removed the fear of pregnancy." Don't kid yourself. There's always a chance of pregnancy. No contraceptive is 100% foolproof. Even many marital pregnancies are unintended. A lot of married couples have had "little surprises."
Even with all the modern contraceptives, there are one million teenage pregnancies in the U.S. each year.{5} And if one chooses abortion as a "solution," there can still be emotional scarring and, for many people, a guilt burden. Incidentally an estimated 55 million people in the U.S.--about one in five--have a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Each year there are twelve million new STD infections in the U.S.{6}--an average of over 20 new cases every minute.
About 6,000 people around the globe become infected with HIV daily. {7} In the U.S., AIDS is the leading killer of people ages 25 to 44, according to the Centers for Disease Control.{8} So-called "safe sex" is not really safe at all. Condoms can slip, break and leak.{9} Johns Hopkins University reports research on HIV transmission from infected men to uninfected women in Brazil. The study took pains to exclude women at high risk of contracting HIV from sources other than their own infected sex partners. Of women who said their partners always used condoms during vaginal intercourse, 23% became HIV-positive.{10}
The Hedonistic Argument: "But it feels so good when I do it--and afterward, too!" The question is, "How long after?" What feels good for a few seconds may leave you feeling miserable for years. Self-fulfillment is hard to come by without self-respect. Also, don't forget the other person. Sometimes one partner's pleasure is another partner's misery. How would you like being used as nothing more than someone else's pleasure machine?
Basketball superstar Magic Johnson shocked much of the world when he announced he was HIV-positive. Now married and an advocate for premarital abstinence, Johnson recalls that his former sexploits--a parade of one-night stands--left him empty: "I was the loneliest guy on the face of the earth....I didn't have anybody to share with who loved me for me. For Earvin (his given name, i.e., his real self), not for Magic (the sports legend)."{11}
The Experiential Argument: "Practice makes perfect and I do want to please my partner when I do marry." As previously mentioned, communication and commitment--not just technique--are keys to dynamic sex. Why not learn with your own spouse--together--instead of on someone else's wife or sister or husband or brother? Remember, too, that good sexual adjustment takes time, love and understanding.
The Compatibility Argument: "We need to experiment to see if we're sexually compatible, especially since marriage is such a big step." Some express it like this: "You try on a pair of shoes before you buy them!" The "try-before-you-buy" idea breaks down because the human plumbing system is very flexible and almost always works. Again, premarital sex can erode trust and communication. It's wiser to test your compatibility as persons. Even happily married couples often need several years to adjust sexually to each other.
Besides, sex can cloud the issue. Sex is not the key to love. Love is the key to sex. Couples who approach marriage thinking that "We're in love so it's OK to have sex" or "We'll use sex to determine if we're in love" may be sorely disappointed. They may discover that what they thought was love is only charged-up sex sensations. Waiting until marriage does not guarantee that you'll be emotionally compatible, but it does help create a less confusing environment in which to find out before you take the step of a marriage commitment.
The Marital Argument: "If we're really in love and plan to get married, why all the fuss over the license and date?" Plans don't always end up in reality. (Chances are you know someone--perhaps yourself--who suffered a broken engagement.) The public declaration at a wedding can be an important evidence of commitment. Why? It takes a certain level of conviction to be able to state a commitment publicly. Affirming marriage vows in public helps give each partner greater assurance that each really means it. It can also act as a deterrent to future departure. The desire not to be publicly perceived as a promise-breaker can help dissuade partners from seeking supposed "greener grass." Of course a wedding is no guarantee one won't leave in the future, but it can be a preventive.
Third, there is a moral reason for waiting. According to biblical perspective, God clearly says to wait.{12} You might be thinking, "See, I told you God didn't want me to have any fun." Many people think this initially, then they realize that the reason God, as a loving parent, gives negative commands is for our own good. He wants us to experience something better!
Waiting until marriage can help you both have the confidence, security, trust and self-respect that a solid relationship needs. "I really like what you said about waiting," said a recently married young woman after a lecture at Sydney University in Australia. "My fiancé and I had to make the decision and we decided to wait." (Each had been sexually active in other previous relationships.) "With all the other tensions and stress of engagement, sex would have been just another worry. Waiting till our marriage before we had sex was the best decision we ever made."
The greatest aid
One final concept that is perhaps the greatest aid to fulfilling sex concerns relating as a total person. Human lives have three dimensions: Physical, mental and spiritual. If communication on any of these levels in a marriage is missing, the relationship is incomplete.
Some are surprised to learn that sex and spirituality can mix well. A highly-acclaimed University of Chicago study of sex in America found that among women, conservative Protestants were those most likely to report they always had an orgasm during intercourse. While that finding does not prove causation, the high correlation between spiritual commitment and sexual pleasure prompted the researchers to note that the image of Christians as sexually repressed may be a myth.{13}
Certainly biblical writers support a healthy view of sexuality. For example the Hebrew Song of Solomon, a beautiful and passionate love story, has been called one of the best sex manuals ever written.
Consider this perspective: Relating on a spiritual level centers around the most unique person of history, Jesus of Nazareth. Evidence backs up His claim to be God{14} and as God what He offers can affect everyone in a personal way, including the area of sex.
One first century follower of Jesus described the quality of love He offers: "Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...." {15} What man or woman would not want to love or be loved like that?
The power source
During His time on earth, Christ explained that everyone is born physically alive but spiritually dead. In order to properly relate on a spiritual level, He said, one must be spiritually reborn.{16} He later rose physically from the dead to make this new life possible. Jesus offers a life that has power. Power for living, power to love others less conditionally, power for self-control in one's sex life. Even after having experimented with premarital sex, one can find in God the strength to stop, to resist future temptation and to wait for one's life partner.
Jesus also offers forgiveness from every wrong--no matter what--that we've ever done because He died on the cross in our place, bearing the punishment we deserved. Anyone can be completely forgiven if he or she will come to Christ. God can cleanse a person's mind of all past guilt. He can restore the freedom of mutual love and trust in a relationship.
All you need to do to begin this spiritual journey is simply to believe that Christ died for you, ask for and accept the forgiveness He offers, and invite the living Christ into your life. It's saying in faith, "Jesus Christ, I need You. Thanks for dying for me. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior. Give me the fulfilling life You promised."
Christ's entry into your life will enable you to begin living with an added spiritual dimension and to have eternal life.{17} As you grow in your new relationship with Him, you'll find your attitudes and actions changing and becoming more fulfilling. Life certainly won't become perfect. There will still be struggles and discouragements, but you'll have a new Friend to help you through. The maturing Christian experiences the most challenging and rewarding life possible.
Two marriage partners having growing relationships with God will grow closer to each other: spirit to spirit, mind to mind, body to body. Their love, commitment and communication will become increasingly dynamic, and so will their sex.
If you prayed this prayer, we'd love to hear from you.

Talking to Your Teens About Sex

2007-06-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

As I look into the faces of the real teens that come into my office, I frequently see the troubled eyes of those whose lives have been compromised because of the adverse consequences of risky sexual activity. There are many challenges involved in addressing teen sexuality - sex is a very sensitive topic and it is a topic which stirs up strong opinions.
Choices that are made without knowledge of potential consequences cannot be considered choices at all. In order to choose, one must know and understand the options. Despite attempts to provide extensive education to teens about sexuality, many adolescents are still woefully ignorant about the reality of STDs in the world today. Accordingly, it is important to consider approaches to dealing with the problem of teen sex.
Peer pressure and influence
The lifestyles and attitudes of friends have a profound impact on teens. An article in a psychology journal notes, "One of the strongest predictors of adolescent behavior is the perceived or actual behavior of friends."1 Adolescents who have close friends that are sexually involved are much more likely to become sexually involved as well. Teens frequently believe that they will gain respect from their peers and be more accepted if they are following perceived social norms, in this case if they are sexually experienced.
Teen males may perceive that they will be viewed as "more of a man" if they talk about or

become involved in sexual activity. The fear of being labeled within their peer group if they do, or do not, engage in certain activities can influence decisions and choices. Perceptions about the behavior of older teens also may have a significant impact as younger teenagers often "desire to seem older and begin adopting slightly older adolescents' behavior to seem mature."2
Because of limited life experience, teens are particularly vulnerable to being absorbed by cliques and being heavily influenced by trends and fads. Recognizing this potent force, an article in Postgraduate Medicine makes the blunt recommendation that, as part of a strategy for promoting healthy decision-making in the area of sexual involvement, physicians encourage parents to monitor their children's friends and to discourage close friendships with peers who exhibit problem behaviors.
Media messages
Not surprisingly, it has been found that adolescents who are exposed to a lot of sexual content on television are more likely to believe that intercourse outside of a marriage relationship or with multiple partners without protection against pregnancy or disease, is harmless and perhaps even desirable. These findings plainly throw into question the view that teenagers are able to fully separate the media depictions of prolific no-consequence sexual activity and their own sexual practices.
Teens are relentlessly bombarded with sexual messages and imagery in media, entertainment, advertising, and in some types of music. Parents need to be aware of the focus on sex in popular culture and must prepare their teens to deal with the onslaught of sexual imagery. They must find out what is being communicated to their offspring and must become part of the educational process. A vast amount of sometimes contradictory information is being presented to teens. It is vital that parents help their teens to develop critical thinking skills, which will allow teenagers to analyze the information they hear and will hopefully protect them from health endangering choices.
Parental guidance
While family intervention is not generally specified as a definitive approach for reducing STDs, the apparent influence that parents can have on adolescent sexual behaviors suggests that the most efficient way to decrease risky activities may be to encourage parents to become fully involved in the sexuality education of their offspring. While many may feel like bystanders in their teenagers' lives, parents must take responsibility for playing a role in the promotion of healthy lifestyles. They need to promote ongoing dialogue with their teens about relationships and sexuality. Through both teaching and active monitoring of social and other activities, they need to protect their offspring from counterproductive influences and potential abuse. And, in addition, parents need to give overt guidance regarding appropriate and safe dating relationships.
Adolescents who have a close relationship with their parents tend to be responsive to their parents' attitudes and advice about important issues including sexuality. Despite the many reasons which may cause a parent to feel uncomfortable with this topic, it is absolutely crucial that communication begins in the pre-teen years with general discussions of appropriate relationships and life goals, and that these conversations later progress to all aspects of sexuality, including STDs.
Open communication will also facilitate a parent's ability to monitor the information that their teen is hearing in the media or in educational and social settings. Remember that any discomfort experienced by parents or teens is short term. The knowledge and benefits accrued are long term.
Some factors that protect against early sexual activity:
discussion of issues related to sexuality between parents and children
parental monitoring of dating
balance of committed love and moderately strict discipline in the home
good relationship between the parents
both parents actively and emotionally involved with teen
good performance and motivation at school
post-secondary educational plans
regular religious participation
high self-esteem
parental monitoring of media
close friends who avoid high-risk behaviors and who are not sexually involved
consistent message from educators to postpone sexual activity
By talking openly to teenagers about different aspects of relationships, by discussing the potential long-term implication of early sexual involvement, and by teaching adolescents to think critically about what they see and hear, parents can empower their teens to deal with challenges and adverse influences
The decisions made by teens regarding sexual behavior will have a significant impact on the rest of their lives. Parents need to encourage adolescents to consider questions such as the following:
Will the choices I am making today allow me to live a healthy life in the future?
Will these choices allow me to become the person I want to be?
Will my current lifestyle deter me from reaching my goals and dreams?

~ Dr. Stephen Genuis has worked as a full time Obstetician for many years and has had the honor of delivering more than six thousand babies. He has numerous publications in medical literature on various topics but most importantly he is Shelagh's husband and his kids' "Pa." You can order Dr. Genuis' books at Winfield House .
~ Stefanie Coutinho is the managing editor for Christian Women Today, and is proud to be the wedding singer at her best friend's wedding this summer.
1 Dolcini MM, Adler NE. Perceived competencies, peer group affiliation, and risk behavior among early adolescents. Health Psychol 1994; 13:496-506.
2 Kinsman SB, Romer D, et al. Early sexual initiation: the role of peer norms. Pediatrics 1998; 102:1185-1192.

5 Make-up Mistakes to Avoid

2007-06-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

You've seen them, make-up looks gone bad. Horribly bad. So in my attempt to rid the beauty world of the overly extreme makeover, here are my all-time make-up 'please don't do this!' tips. As a makeup artist, I've seen every one. Don't let these looks happen to you!

1. WAAAYYYY too much blush - Blush is supposed to look natural, flushed, pretty. Think J.Low. She's got it down. Apply your blush before ANY other color on your face. If you look like you could throw on lip gloss and mascara and run out the door, you're good!The best blush color? No, it's not fuscia. It's a pinky/peach. Look for something with soft shimmer, a pinky/peach that looks young, fresh on anyone of any age. (J.Low and Lara Flynn Boyle rarely make an appearance without it on.) And it's all about location, location, location. Smile, tap blush on apple cheeks. Done. That's where you blush. Period. Easy.

2. The dreaded blue eyeshadow a la 1960's. Okay, I think whenever someone is in that dreaded "color" shadow mode, it's because someone at some time said "gee! that looks great honey!" When it painfully didn't. We're suckers for a compliment. Someone likes that blazer I'm wearing and I'm wearing that thing 3 days in a row. Beauty is supposed to make you look at the whole image. Not just one thing. You want the whole you to shine.In photography makeup, a trait of a good makeup artist is when their makeup style blends in with the whole photo. It doesn't stand out like a sore thumb. I feel complimented on my work when someone oohs and aahs over the photo, not my work. Then I know I've done a good job.

3. Navy blue, dark blue, any blue. - Anything with blue, dark blue or grayish blue around your eyes really brings out the dark blue undereye circle under it. Copy a color on your face that you don't like in your makeup, and it'll look worse. Way worse. Case in point: a red dress with sunburn. See? Doesn't work. Go warmer, chestnutty, bronzy in shadows and liner instead. Trust me.

4. "You're looking a little tired. Are you feeling ok?" - We've all been there. If people ask if you're tired when you aren't it's could be your makeup. Incorrect make-up color choices can actually make your skin look tired. How? By unintentionally wearing colors that have gray in them. A grayish pink blush, a grayish mauvey lipstick, a grayish eyeshadow -- even your foundation might be gray. All that gray can make you look tired by bringing out the gray in your skin.The good news is, you don't need a facial. You need another color. How can you tell? Put your cosmetic color onto white paper. What color do you see? If you see gray, that's the culprit. And gray is the #1 added color to cosmetics. Makes me wonder how many women have run to the skincare counters to get the latest alpha hydroxy, skin brightening wonder creams, only to find out it's really the makeup that makes you look, well, you know, tired.

5. The old school overdrawn lips. Overdrawing the lips does NOT make your lips look bigger. It can make youlook like a clown. So how do you fake the illusion? It's in the color and the shine. Yes - shine! Start our with a lighter color, think about a nude pink. Look for a shade that mimics your lip color, or is 2 shades deeper than your actual lip color. Apply to your lip line and not a millimeter more. Then add shine. Shine bounces light and gives the illusion of a fuller pout. Try Bobbi Brown's lip gloss. She has a different type of shimmer going on in her lipglosses that makes your lips look 3-dimensional. It truly works.